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I make my way towards Rio where I´ll meet a friend who´s arriving in Brazil quite soon and from there after a week or so I have plans to live on the delta islands near Buenos Aires. A journey not to be sniffed at.
My ass settles down for the next forty eight hours on a bollock cold coach from Recife to Rio De Janero ,1869km/1162 miles and it doesn´t take much scoping around to take in the fact that this could be one very interesting bus trip.
I have less than half a seat thanks to the beluga next to me, but given the fact I´m the only idiot on the bus to not think of bringing a duvet or even a jumper and trousers for that matter, then this might not be such a bad thing.
What’s with the air con on your busses? Cold enough to freeze a penguins nuts off!
So, perched next to fatty and presented with an odor much to my disliking coming from across the aisle wafting from the bum of a baby and young couple. That’s what I need, a smelly baby all the way to Rio. A smelly crying baby but no, all the noise for the next 2 days would emanate from the seats directly behind me. What the fuck is going on back there?!
#Insert loud rasping noises..
I´m spooning tonight. Kind off forced to but I´m not complaining as the leg that’s trapped between her bum cheeks is feeling quite toasty, but I really hope to Hell she doesn´t fart. The rest of my body is blue.
During the night we stop for a rest and some nibbles. I scan the menu and only recognize the word for cheese. “Dos queijo fatia por favor”, she smiles, writes a receipt, takes my money and sends me towards the opposite counter where my order will be prepared. Something about that smile, a knowing smile. A ´Hey Gringo, you´ve fucked up”, kinda smile.
I inspect my two slabs of cheese. “What the fuck´s this”?
What do I want two large slabs of cheese for, did I ask for.. Shit, I just asked for two big slabs of cheese didn´t I?
Everyone´s loving this moment, everyone except for me. I just want to eat, be warm and sleep. Maybe I can laugh about this later but right now I´m finding it hard to look happy. I explain with wild hand gestures and finger pointing. Relieved of my cheese I take my hamburger and proceed to a table where I can eat in peace.
“#Rasp.. NAAAARRRGGG, WOOOOOOP”!
Called over to the table of noise and human beat box from Hell. They hold up a liter of beer and extra glass and so I join them.
A little guilty now that I know one of them is deaf and therefore can´t hear just how loud he is and I begin to drink with them for the next 40 odd hours.
It would go like this; I buy a beer for the three of us -big beers I might add-. They, between them buy a beer for the three of us. I buy one, they buy one between them but for the three of us. I´m getting fucked here, in a group of three it shouldn´t be my round every second time. They give me some food, shitest food in Brazil. Hold on. I can see what’s happening, It´s the old ´We got you some food back there so now that we´re in a place with good food, we´ll cash in on the whole Your turn.’ I stop leaving the bus and stay on board as I don´t want to taken for a fool and I´m running out of money anyway. They bring me more food.
As we enter Rio and I disembark I begin to realize that I am indeed a cunt. These two seemingly thuggish football hooligans (complete with Flamengo football tatts) have been feeding and drinking with me all the way and not asked for a thing in return while I sat full of assumptions and accusations. They invite me to drink with them at their friend’s house for a few days. Fuck that, dodgy fuckin scum!
. . .
Rio might be one of the visually spectacular cities in the world and it´s great to be exploring it with a good friend that I´ve not seen for a while, we laugh harder than I have for some time and live like Kings briefly, but we can´t stay too long. It´s expensive here and we must be getting on. We make our way towards Iguaçu Falls for a few days before I continue with my South American adventure while Jack returns to Rio where awaits a job in a hostel.
Iguaçu Falls is something to behold. Can photos do this place justice? Done Jacks camera no justice as the spray of water coming from one of the eight wonders of the world proved too much. Jack loves his shit being wet and so let the bottle of water in his bag leak and fuck up his passport, return ticket and mobile phone too.. No luck Jack, no luck at all!
Again I laughed like I haven’t done for a while.
Waterproofing your camera.. Remember you have it in a condom for when pulling it out to tell someone the time!
Packed! Ok, so to avoid the whining of fuckin hippies believing that I’m taking my machete overseas to maim a leopard.. I’m not.
No, I’m sure they’ll give me one while I’m there!
Flicking through my wad of Brazilian reais (currency) and taking note of the variety of wildlife displayed on such colorful notes, which might actually eat me at any given time. I consider that my occupation whilst living there –shepherd- combined with my location of such job – 200km West of Belem or Amazon territory to you and me- makes my notion of becoming a predators bowel movement not as farfetched as it might seem.
I’m feeling pretty much prepared as I sit in my bedroom surrounded by paper work of flight details, travel insurance, health..fuck, I don’t want to even look at that pile of time consuming shite right now. So that’s all there, clothes folded and ready to be crammed into a bag at some point, camera, few books and my tablet. Even that stretchy rope thingy for keeping my arms in shape, all present and ready to rock.
I’m informed that mosquito repellent isn’t cheap and I don’t expect it would be but my minds more focused on the acquisition of leopard spray as harsh language will only see me so far.
*Images of a Tarzanesque Andy decked out in junglewear aimlessly crashing through dense rainforest muttering “Nae fuckin’ danger!” while hotly pursued by a carnivorous jungle kitty.
. . .
So what can we expect from this forthcoming adventure?
Something really stupid involving snakes and crocs no doubt. I can pretty much guarantee that as I am that idiot that has to touch. My ways have served me well so far, but feel free to tell me you told me so if I return minus a limb. Ten months in Costa Rica and the most savage attack came from the jaws of a terrapin (although it could have been far worse if we’d found that puma we were tracking in Corcovado or Derik the fer-de-lance snake we pestered) so do your worst mother nature for you are my bitch. –ok, so I do respect nature a little more than that-
Being something of a football fan although not obsessively, it hasn’t escaped my notice that during my time there a certain tournament will be taking place. I may however, be the only living thing in Brazil who will miss it all entirely. Just can’t justify to myself the possibility of forking out £300 per night in a city to watch sport. Especially if England win the fucking thing! –I’m Scottish- ‘Boo’, ‘yeah’! Fuck off, it’s just a bit o’ banter!
So don’t expect a 2014 World Cup review or even a travel guide of what’s hot in Brazil. Just expect the tales and photos of a man exploring something new.
Think Bear Grills meets Mr. Bean!
Well versed in the ways of the mighty Leppard!
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 7,100 times in 2013. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 6 trips to carry that many people.
Click here to see the complete report.
From donkey whisperer to goat herder..Lets forget the in-between!
If sound could be seen and viewed as a colour,
This moment would be an ominous shade of FUCK!
This is the sound emanating from a hairy, four-eyed, balding little man awaiting a response to a heart wrenching e-mail *a shit one to boot, that never should have been sent. -Please note; I’m not always a miserable shite-
I’m sure we’ve all done it. The age of text messages, facebook and e-mails giving those of us with that red mist descending, ‘this is a good idea let’s do it now’ mentality, far too much opportunity to dribble our half-baked thoughts and schemes and punch ENTER quite appropriately as I now enter, or re-enter the ever growing and over populated land of Thefuck’dIdothatfor.
Now I could say I never learn, but this is actually a vast improvement on the time I sent a valentine’s message during my school days through the morning notice board that 1,500 people had the pleasure of reading. I spent a loooong time brooding in the land of Thefuck’dIdothatfor after that one, but that was many years ago and long forgotten, until now –shit.
So, back to the present and a pulsating heart pounds out toward a stupid little brain;
‘What have I done’?
You did what you had to
‘I’ve really done it now’
Indeed, but you gave it your best
‘But I did it all wrong’
Well, yes. You did it by fucking facebook you fucking idiot!
Waiting, waiting, w-a-i-ting..
To hear that familiar rendition of ‘let’s just be friend’s’, followed by the classic ‘it’s not you it’s me’ and finishing off with a slightly different version of ‘you’re a good guy, but not for me’. Yeah, I get it. Better than a kick in the balls, but I don’t have to be happy about it.
INBOX: 1 NEW MESSAGE
God, I hate being right all the fucking time!
Not really looking for another pen-pal to be honest and that’s really what facebook is –if you see them every day then what’s the point?
Despite the lols, dining updates and self-righteous ‘look how great I am’ dribble from people who want us to know how they support every humanitarian issue going, not to mention endless fucking games requests then yeah, facebook is a great thing. Not so many friends in Scotland, but a fair amount scattered across the world from seven years of travel and adventure. Maybe 90% of these people I will never see again, not because I don’t want to but because life goes on, new things happen and I’ll most likely make new friends tomorrow. So to the future ‘let’s just be friend’s/pen-pal’s’ lady’s out there.. Let’s not.
In my bid to get a grip and stop acting like a big Jessie crawling from the pages of a Helen Fielding novel, I did what any man would do. Any non-religious man not long off a 30 year drought would do.
Thirty years. Thirty fuckin years and you better believe I give up. No one will ever have that chance to let me feel I’m just not good enough again, so as I crawl my way back towards the open arms of a masseuse named Crystal I wonder to myself if this is just the way it’s going to be, possible start to a no-strings physical relationship with a prostitute. How could this possibly go wrong?
-Smallest violin? Smallest fuckin’ orchestra jammin’ to this shit!-
Think we can guess the only possible time she can offer me is during her working hours at the cost of £75 and when I arrive she’s not even there. I’m met by an old, fat, smoking Romanian dwarf telling me it’s just herself on today and I’ve to take it easy as she’s pregnant. New lows in life, is this still the way to go? Futures bleak, this futures shite!
I’m out the door and fuming at life, at myself and with my morning horoscope which was a complete load of bollocks:
Today, Venus connects with the Sun and this is going to give your sex appeal a boost. Indeed, lots of people are likely to want to be with you. With all this popularity bubbling away, enjoy the plaudits and praise.
Fuck you Metroscope! Only person getting wet at my presence today is myself –by way of it being a miserable rainy day out there-.
My time back in Scotland has been a brief one but a brief one to soon forget. So close to falling in love with a girl so completely my type AND learning that when it comes to finding ways to move on then all the Crystal in the world won’t make things right.. and either will a pregnant, Romanian dwarf.
*At time of writing this
TEXT MESSAGE (from Crystal):
Where were u 2day?
Fuck this, I’m going to be a shepherd in Brazil.
And that is how we get from A (Aruba) to B (Brazil)!
Not yet in Brazil shepherding goats, but here’s one I worked for previously in Italy
Who nose?! -See what I did there?-
Around ten minutes south of the sanctuary, under construction and eight times the size of the one we have now, a new sanctuary we lovingly refer to as donkey prison begins to take shape with a roof placed over the large storage containers and a little juggling around of the perimeter fence.
The forty eight donks residing here are a little less passive to human interaction as they only see people when a volunteer comes to feed and clean the area. They’re a little more boisterous but not so bad, but you definitely don’t want to go dropping your soap in this place!
I leapt the fence wishing to avoid a repeat performance of last time when I almost got trampled by two donks intent on escape. SNAP went the brush handle as he went through my pitiful attempt at blocking his path. An hour of running my ass off quite literally –another donkey/ass joke- before I managed to get both of them in and I can say I’ve learned my lesson. Nothing escapes these donkeys apart from themselves when given half a chance!
So I jump the fence and make my way to clean and refill the water perused by a mob of wild donkeys wondering what in the hell I’m all about. Why have you not fed us first and then dealt with the water? High time this hairy little human got told!
A shadow descends as Tiny approaches in the form of a trot. I see it coming but think he’s just saying hi.
“AAAHHH”! I turn my head to find my shoulder still in his mouth. “AAAAAHHHH”! I repeat in a more animated fashion to display the dislike of my shoulders current location.
Put in my place by a donkey called Tiny I almost Fosbury flop my way back over that fence with todays lesson freshly imbedded on my skin. Feed or be food!
Knowing that my time here is coming to an end and I have to leave this all behind is really killing me a little. Not once have I took for granted the fact that this just might well be the best job I will ever have and as small as the island is, it is a place I have taken to my heart and enjoyed immensely.
Everything from the brutal daily cycle that keeps me in shape and my own personal space of which I enjoy both at work and at home to the fondness I have for the other volunteers during the changeover at the sanctuary. The cheerful and effervescent crowd I’ve gotten to know at Arikok National Park, an amazing host family and of course a herd of donkeys that accepted me as one of their own!
A farewell party is put together for me at Eagle beach bringing together friends from both sides of my time here and I really am surprised at the number of faces gathered from The Sanctuary and Arikok.
I would later feel a little guilty for not making enough effort to speak with everyone there a little more but I have plonked my butt down on a comfy seat and I’m enjoying the company of two of the most attractive women in Aruba. I saw pictures, no doubt airbrushed and spruced up of Miss Aruba and she isn’t half as good looking as either of these girls!
Miss Aruba, if you’re reading then prove me wrong AND ANSWER YOUR FUCKING MAIL! Just joking. Was one wee email suggesting that she visit our sanctuary. Can’t hurt to try –unless she has a big boyfriend-!
So how, after spending the last six months of my life working on a donkey sanctuary in the tropical desert island of Aruba, do I even begin relate my story in a way that can really convey to the reader just how great this, life’s latest chapter to which there are not nearly enough word of grandeur, has been?
Well, I think that before I commence with that little riddle, I’d better put more thought into the latest addition of my CV as Ass Master might just give out the wrong impression!
Grow your own island.. Just add water
The red mist descends as I’m chased down and bitten once again by these fucking mutts left to their own device. Now I have no idea how you might react to having your legs and ankles bitten by dogs while cycling uphill every day to work. Maybe you’d blame yourself and say it’s your own fault for daring to pass a road it’s taken to as its territory. I prefer to stick my boot across the big fuckers head.
Some dogs will learn from that but some will not.
Again this mangy, feral fuck flies from its garden as I start to enter Arikok National Park to begin my daily chore of watering the desert and other duties which might lie in store. I don’t like kicking animals and it’s plain to me now that even as a last resort it’s just not working with this one and so when it grabs at me this time I bring my bike to a sudden halt, jump off and chase it back to its house.
My rattling of the door is answered by a middle aged, beer bellied prick telling me he’ll talk to his dog and tell it to leave me alone.
“Are you taking the piss? You’ll TALK to your dog. It’s a fucking dog. I’m talking to you and telling you to put a leash on it. Not all the time because it’s only in the morning it attacks but you can’t let your dog bite people going into the park and it really is every fucking day”!
“I’ll talk to him, really I will and I don’t understand why he’s doing that. Look at him, he is very sorry.” Says a man that’s just not taking me seriously. I know which one I’ll be kicking tomorrow if it happens again and it won’t be the four legged one.
Next day and I’m entering the park already fuming at the fact that it’s going to happen again. It’s sitting at the side of the road and waiting, waiting to pounce and take my legs off at the knees. I cycle by and prepare to go fucking nuts and.. Nothing. Just looks up and stays put.
Looks like he really did have a good talk with his dog and not a peep from it for the rest of my time here. I should have had it out with him ages ago and it would have saved me and the dog a lot of grief.
I did run into a dog with my bike on the way home one afternoon. After swerving many times I managed to get it in the end. No, I’m just joking about trying to get it but it did run from behind and then cut on front of me causing my front tire to bounce of it.
It could have been a much more painful outcome if I’d been traveling downhill when this occurred although our cute Belgian vet would have been well impressed with my special delivery of a mangled pooch. “’Someone’ must have run it down, but don’t ask me who. No really don’t”!
Safest place to keep your tools!
You soon learn when working with a herd of donkeys that nothing on this Earth is donkey proof. NOTHING!
Perimeter fence, café railing, my bike, boots, tools, goats… Basically, where there’s a will there’s a donkey!
By using their stretchy lips like fingers they can make short work a rope not tied tight enough and pick at the slightest weakness in a fence. Donkeys are so nosey and will investigate anything new and take particular interest in small children sometimes to the absolute horror of the kids when a big spongy nose leers over them sniffing and investigating.
Alerted to the fact that our big round donk Ban Ban had discovered the delights of the opened food container, I entered expecting the worst. Thirty bales of hay in there and I found him eating the bin. Maybe this one’s not so smart!
When one donkey finds a way out the rest will follow suit making their way to the nearest landfill and just explore/destroy the neighborhood. Next morning once they’ve discovered that all the foods in here we will arrive to find donkeys en mass waiting to be let back in.
. . .
Another hot day in the Dutch Antilles and my legs are going to fall off. My mission: Find sixteen escapee donkeys.
Nine of them are found in a village five minutes away eating from a massive pile of rubbish festering next to one of the houses.
Alpha donk Blackie is led into our donkey box without a prob whereas 7up’s about as stubborn as these things get. I often find that when a donkey is happy where he is –always where you don’t want him to be like on your foot or in the food container- you are presented with the literal meaning to a real pain in the ass to contend with.
After much pushing and pulling he’s in, but now that he’s filled up on pizza boxes and sanitary towels he doesn’t have that usual spark in the eyes at the sight of our food offerings and so the fat bastard is not willing to go anywhere without a struggle.
It’s late in the day now and we have to give up and try our luck tomorrow and as we pull out onto the main road –small country road- we’re faced by one of the funniest sights I’ve seen for a while as nine stampeding donkeys gallop their way towards us.
Cue Black Beauty theme tune.
Shit! “Get the gate!” I jump out and run to open the old padlocked small gate but it just won’t budge. Shit, shit, shit, closer and closer they come..
Clomp, clomp, clomp.. Shit, shit, shit. Too late and they pass heading towards the main gate with most of them going straight in thankfully except for a few led by our lead jenny (female donkey) Nagrita who likes to wander half way in and stop, turn around and say “Fuck it, I’m not done yet” , more of a snort really but I’m starting to lose my mind here and frequently converse with the donks.
Back she gallops towards the top of the road with me hot on her hoofs.
Clomp, clomp, clomp, puff, pant “Fuucking stop it”! And back again to the main gate.
After a fourth tour of the road she takes off through the cactus with another donkey and I’m forced to admit defeat. Damn you Nagrita, you have won this battle but not the war. Tomorrow you are mine!
And so I’m back the next day with a bucket of donkey food going door to door asking people if they’ve seen any donkeys. “Yes, in the donkey sanctuary”. Very helpful!
I re-enter the cactus and drag my ass through a forest of spines, thorns and snakes on a quest with the intention of dragging another two, slightly more smelly asses back with me. I start my shift soon and need to get back. I return to the sanctuary feeling heavy in defeat and disappointed with my ass finding abilities. Opening the gate to the café area, I plonk myself down and look up to see the unmistakable prancing of our cheeky donk NAGRITA! “Didn’t anyone tell you they came back this morning?”
Nagrita. does what she wants when she wants