Returning again to my old stomping ground with tail firmly between my legs, I begin to explain my reasons for leaving Military training while packing another fun filled order of fruit with my old chums in Edinburgh. I couldn’t sign away four years of my life. Not for anything. Not for anyone.
Training was fun. An experience, but my heart was never really in it. I waste no time at all in making phone calls that will get me the hell out of Scotland and back on the road again. With plans set in motion for yet another overseas adventure I was riding high upon a cheerful note that day I came across it.
. . .
It Mooed like an elephant -when you push the button on the end-, looked awesome and had to be mine. At just £1.50 it felt almost rude not to.
Making up for last year’s Halloween party where I was the only person without costume, I buy what will surely be the most daring, show-stopping costume of all. They won’t forget about this for a while, but first I need a trial run.
The day before Halloween and I’m working in a fruit factory packing boxes to be delivered to schools. I wait until everyone’s enjoying their dinner, blissfully unaware of my intentions as I stroll out to use the microwave wearing nothing but an elephant thong which barely fits me. My manager and his wife sit shaking their heads at me almost in disbelief, but not completely surprised. They’ve known me long enough to expect this sort of behaviour.
Not everyone’s here I notice and I dart outside to startle the smokers with some cartwheels and grotesque shaking of my trunk not noticing the CCTV cameras covering every inch of the compound.
I’m not sacked and an absence of Police makes me assume that my costumes gained the right response however the question still remains “What will the pub think”?
On a cold November night at The Newbridge Inn I enter the main bar finding that only one friend and the bar staff have costumes. The rest have bottled it. I change in the toilet as I would rather avoid being added to any registers for the time being, put my woolly hat on and make my entrance.
As I walk through, taking my usual seat at the bar with the main door directly behind me, I’m met with silence as jaws hit the floor and eyes boggle. “What the fuck”? Seems to be the question on everyone’s mind as I casually order my pint almost forgetting I’m naked.
Taking up the microphone, I sing songs from Britney Spears and Nellie the Elephant like a true wild man. Skipping later on at one point with a length of rope my friends brought as part of his robber costume I trip, rolling backwards exposing all for the unfortunate onlookers letting my hairy ass take place in their nightmares forever.
As the night draws to a close I decide to take this show on the road and make my way towards the local bowling club where the neighbourhood watch hang out. Stopping at the window’ I shoogle my trunk at a group enjoying their meal then tangled in a fence while performing unsuccessful acrobatics, I’m freed only by the smokers who stand outside.
About a week later thinking I’m in the clear I enter the living-room of my house only to find my Mum watching my performance on You-Tube. I do promise never to do it again. But.. You know the score.