I had two lives now (nothing to do with the picture!). I was involved with Environmental conservation groups in the countryside and even a safety officer for an organisation who’d take groups of near school leavers on weekends away to take part in projects such as path building, repairing fences and toasting marshmallows over a fire.
My other life would lead me to interesting situations like these;
. . .
We made our way to a barge (flat-bottomed boat) docked up for the night on the Union canal where my friend’s Dad lives. Not exactly running for father of the year, this man has something set aside for us which we intend to take to a house party in Edinburgh.
On our arrival we’re met by the rants and raving of a lunatic, fucked on something and going crazy about someone on board. As my friend enters to talk with Daddy, I’m asked to stay outside and take care of crazy woman –keep her off the boat, away from water’s edge ect-.
I’m controlling the situation, calming her down and sympathising with her when my friend slips out to hand me a bottle of beer. I take a swig, let out a sigh and hope they won’t be much longer.
She asks for a drink. “Sure” I say as I hand her my beer then watch in horror as it’s smashed across a rock and I’m charged at by a girl intent on giving me a splintered glass facial.
Stepping back I guide her attacking arm to the side and push hard against her shoulder forcing her away from me. With new found rage her anguish is turned towards herself as she drags the jagged shards across her own wrist.
“NO”! I shout while grabbing both arms and locking them behind her back. I put my foot across her legs and push forward bringing us both crashing towards the ground. I lift my head in search of the bottle only to see the shape of my friends Dad climbing ashore, catching me in one compromising position on top of a screaming girl.
“Get off her” he shouts, but understands the situation –maybe watched it from a window- and takes my place in restraining her whilst filling me in on the fact the neighbouring boats passengers have called the police.
The police arrive and get to grips with this hysterical woman and we’re told to go back inside and give statements. Daddy’s face turns pale, but as the officer descends into the barge a loud smash from a police car window sends him hurriedly back to help take down this now ferial creature.
A stash is produced and we help get rid before joined again by Officer Plod who takes statements from a suddenly very animated set of individuals. “No, never seen her before tonight. I didn’t provoke her and no I don’t want to press charges.” The armoured police van has arrived –touch unnecessary- and the lady who turns out to be a Primary school teacher is taken away.
I wonder what her subject was. Chemistry? Drama? Or How to be a psycho?!