Won’t forget this city anytime soon!
Woken from a half comatose slumber by the hand of a middle-aged woman punching down on my face as she trips over on her way up the aisle in an effort to reach the bathroom. “EEEUUUHHH”?!
Thanks’, so glad one of us found that funny.
Arriving in Buenas Aires and I have never seen anything like it. The place is overflowing with Hells Angels and not just a host of Angels – or chapter- but a fucking full on invasion with not one motorbike in sight!
I´m in an area near Plaza De Mayo called San Nicolas and passed by small squadrons of them at every corner, cafe, restaurant, jumping out taxi´s fully loaded with suitcases and even out strolling through the parks. I´m later informed that it´s some kind of annual gathering -of course, it´s Easter weekend and we know how much those naughty bikers love the Easter Bunny- and every one of them look like Auld Nick might have shat them out himself, but if you think I´m taking pictures guess again. My knee-caps feel pretty good right where they are!
Dropping my bags of at a cheap hostel recommended by a google search just fifteen minutes ago, I step outside for a wee gander at what this world renound city has to offer.
With souvenirs purchased (no hanging around) and check list complete for my up and coming Delta adventure -What the fuck is a Delta?-, I`m approached by one cute young student handing out flyers and asking if I´d be interested in visiting this interesting bar where I can have a relaxing beer and massage.
Hmm, after a twenty four hour bus journey..
Tell me more.
I´m led to the club which lies at the bottom of a flight of stairs in some shitty little back alley, but tastefully decorated inside although really small. There is just enough room for a bar and two comfy couches sitting across from each other at the far end of the room -less than a meter from the bar.
Within this room there be company. Company in the form of the old owner, not that old really, old cleaner -really has seen better days, although maybe not-, butch girl as the hired heavy or hired hairy, girl I came in with -quite hot, educated, early twenties and another similar looking girl but with a bit of a squint face like she`s been hit with a shovel or had a stroke. Both perfectly do-able and hospitable. VERY hospitable!
I didn´t really know what this place was going to be like, a beer AND a massage (Captain Naive), but it soon becomes clear when both girls sit either side of me and start to ask me bullshit questions while stroking fingers through my hair, crossing legs within my own and groping at my l arms. They have my pants around my ankles in moments and I´m now getting wanked off on front of the whole staff.
I get it now.
Hold the bus. Before we go any further, how much is this costing me?
“Don’t worry about that, this feels good yes”?
No, well yes but I´m not Mr fucking Money and I don`t wanna get stung and have to beat your hired fatty once I`m done here. So again, how much do I owe in total right now?
“310 pesos per girl for the show -I find that I`ve just had the show- if you want more it´ll be 800″.
800 pesos in total, for EVERYTHING?
Ok, fuck the show. I´m going to the bank and when I come back we´ll get this on.
Accompanied to the cash machine by Shamu, I´m told while taking out the cash that I need to take out more. Do I fuck! I´ve already paid 700 – price changed from 620 for both girls to 700 when I handed over 7 one hundred peso notes-.
“You paid for the show. If you want more it´s and extra 800 for each girl”.
Eh, no. I`m horney as fuck, but not stupid as fuck. I´ll let them know I´ve had fun, it´s all been a very pleasant experience for me and one hell of an introduction to Buenos Aires but it all stops here. I´m European but NOT rich.
I enter the bar once more fully expecting a hoard of abuse. Sexual abuse if they wish, but I aint paying for it. After explaining to the girls I then have to repeat my predicament to the boss.
“How much have you got now”?
“You still have to pay for the girls drinks.”
How much is that?
Haha, course it is! I pay up and leave on good terms getting friendly hugs from everyone as I leave including the cleaner who had while watching me getting jerked off, suggested jokingly that I could have her for free. For a second I consider this.
I stop halfway down the street to check my shopping bags for my mobile. It´s not there. FUCK!
Chest puffed out and ready to fight, I march back in and explain that my phones no longer in the bag I´d left here while out at the cash machine. Maybe it fell out the bag while I was here, but I´m not leaving until it`s found.
We look around a clearly empty phoneless, small floor.
“Check your bag again.”
I don´t have to.
“Just take everything out and make sure”.
I do and woops!
Blimp, The Hired Hairy: “See, they might be sluts but they`re not thieves!”
Ohhh, that didn´t go down well with the others. I escape back out into the street before the possible bloodbath begins and this is still just my first day in Buenos Aires!
Into the bathroom I go, back at the hostel and still unsure as to how I should feel about this recent incident. Relieved to have my phone, stupid at spending so much in such a short time on my first day (not that much really 13.46 Pesos – 1 British Pound), amused at the whole thing and frustrated that I just walked away from sex with two stunners.
I make my way towards Rio where I´ll meet a friend who´s arriving in Brazil quite soon and from there after a week or so I have plans to live on the delta islands near Buenos Aires. A journey not to be sniffed at.
My ass settles down for the next forty eight hours on a bollock cold coach from Recife to Rio De Janero ,1869km/1162 miles and it doesn´t take much scoping around to take in the fact that this could be one very interesting bus trip.
I have less than half a seat thanks to the beluga next to me, but given the fact I´m the only idiot on the bus to not think of bringing a duvet or even a jumper and trousers for that matter, then this might not be such a bad thing.
What’s with the air con on your busses? Cold enough to freeze a penguins nuts off!
So, perched next to fatty and presented with an odor much to my disliking coming from across the aisle wafting from the bum of a baby and young couple. That’s what I need, a smelly baby all the way to Rio. A smelly crying baby but no, all the noise for the next 2 days would emanate from the seats directly behind me. What the fuck is going on back there?!
#Insert loud rasping noises..
I´m spooning tonight. Kind off forced to but I´m not complaining as the leg that’s trapped between her bum cheeks is feeling quite toasty, but I really hope to Hell she doesn´t fart. The rest of my body is blue.
During the night we stop for a rest and some nibbles. I scan the menu and only recognize the word for cheese. “Dos queijo fatia por favor”, she smiles, writes a receipt, takes my money and sends me towards the opposite counter where my order will be prepared. Something about that smile, a knowing smile. A ´Hey Gringo, you´ve fucked up”, kinda smile.
I inspect my two slabs of cheese. “What the fuck´s this”?
What do I want two large slabs of cheese for, did I ask for.. Shit, I just asked for two big slabs of cheese didn´t I?
Everyone´s loving this moment, everyone except for me. I just want to eat, be warm and sleep. Maybe I can laugh about this later but right now I´m finding it hard to look happy. I explain with wild hand gestures and finger pointing. Relieved of my cheese I take my hamburger and proceed to a table where I can eat in peace.
“#Rasp.. NAAAARRRGGG, WOOOOOOP”!
Called over to the table of noise and human beat box from Hell. They hold up a liter of beer and extra glass and so I join them.
A little guilty now that I know one of them is deaf and therefore can´t hear just how loud he is and I begin to drink with them for the next 40 odd hours.
It would go like this; I buy a beer for the three of us -big beers I might add-. They, between them buy a beer for the three of us. I buy one, they buy one between them but for the three of us. I´m getting fucked here, in a group of three it shouldn´t be my round every second time. They give me some food, shitest food in Brazil. Hold on. I can see what’s happening, It´s the old ´We got you some food back there so now that we´re in a place with good food, we´ll cash in on the whole Your turn.’ I stop leaving the bus and stay on board as I don´t want to taken for a fool and I´m running out of money anyway. They bring me more food.
As we enter Rio and I disembark I begin to realize that I am indeed a cunt. These two seemingly thuggish football hooligans (complete with Flamengo football tatts) have been feeding and drinking with me all the way and not asked for a thing in return while I sat full of assumptions and accusations. They invite me to drink with them at their friend’s house for a few days. Fuck that, dodgy fuckin scum!
. . .
Rio might be one of the visually spectacular cities in the world and it´s great to be exploring it with a good friend that I´ve not seen for a while, we laugh harder than I have for some time and live like Kings briefly, but we can´t stay too long. It´s expensive here and we must be getting on. We make our way towards Iguaçu Falls for a few days before I continue with my South American adventure while Jack returns to Rio where awaits a job in a hostel.
Iguaçu Falls is something to behold. Can photos do this place justice? Done Jacks camera no justice as the spray of water coming from one of the eight wonders of the world proved too much. Jack loves his shit being wet and so let the bottle of water in his bag leak and fuck up his passport, return ticket and mobile phone too.. No luck Jack, no luck at all!
Again I laughed like I haven’t done for a while.
Waterproofing your camera.. Remember you have it in a condom for when pulling it out to tell someone the time!
I have bared witness to some stupid things in the past;
“How do you tell the male donkeys from the female”?
“Which one´s the moon”? While star gazing.
“Do you speak English in the UK”?
I´m not immune to a few clangers myself like when I told someone the word rough was spelt R U F F, asking the sexy nurse while stitching my arm if she comes here often and while on the topic of a small islands problem with inbreeding I asked “Is that illegal here”? So yes, I can be stupid too but fucking nothing compares to the pure stupidity of some I´ve encountered here? *Matter of opinion maybe.
In a bar pointing at a beer and asking “Cerveca por favor”. Confusion looms across the face of the fat bitch serving then actually spreads to the rest of the clientele gathered in this dump. I repeat and continue to point at one of only three types of beer they sell. I know I´m not pronouncing this right. I´m using Spanish in a Portuguese speaking country, but I know I´m not so far off the mark and my gesturing is making it pretty fucking obvious as to what it is I´m looking for. Come on, in a bar pointing at a beer. Do you think I´m asking to see you´re finest Persian rug?
Fuck it, I get out the ole phrase book and point at the Portuguese word for beer.. pronounced cervesha.”Ahh, CERVEJA. Nao cerveca!” Said with an air of authority after it took her a minute and a half to read and understand her own fucking language.
You are kidding me. Really, none of you -five by this time- had any idea what I was trying to ask for?
Are you physically capable of stretching out a hand and giving me that beer or will your head just explode? A good job you don´t have a menu or I´d be here all fucking day -or just go to bar not run by idiots.
My time in Brasil is coming to a close and what a time it´s been. Did spend my first two weeks using the wrong word for toilet though. Thought the place was a bit mental when I´d first arrived on the scene and asked where the toilet was in a bar I´d been drinking in only to be told “Not here, maybe in a hostel”.
Started to get a little upset with people eventually after finding out there were no bars in town that had toilets. No toilets? Where am I supposed to piss, on the wall outside? One day I mimed the act of peeing and found that what I´d been asking for was a shower. Ah, that explains the funny looks I´d received while in search of the bogs!
Bar of the year..
My first ebook Without Wax. Check it out!
Before it all goes wrong!
I´d just had my shower, wrapped a towel around my waist and made my way towards my bedroom to dry more thoroughly and with more space to do so. Halfway there I stop upon remembering my glasses. Guess I´ll be needing them and so I return to retrieve them and.. “What the fuck”?
On the floor of the shower where I´d been just moments before I find the biggest tarantula the world has ever seen –later when showing my video to the family I´m told “Oh, that’s one of the small ones. There´s a much more common species that’s about three times as big!”-. I´ve never come face to face with such a creature and so obviously I have to do something stupid.
After scooping her onto a massive fly swatter I start to show what balls I have (not literally) by holding it closer and closer to various parts of my body – shoulder, head, hands, legs.. I pass my camera on to a Brazilian guy who´s staying in the next room and ask him to make a video.
Again I´m brave with this colossal behemoth of a specimen and try to coax it onto the towel I´m still wrapped in. So cool I must look right now, how many people do I know that´d have the guts to do this? Not a lot I´m guessing. Wait until Mum sees this!
The tarantulas not really doing much and I feel it´s starting to become quite a boring video when BOOM, IT EXPLODES INTO A THOUSAND PIECES!
Just joking. What it actually does is suddenly explode into life and run fast as fuck up my towel. I can´t get it off as I´ve tied it far too tight and just as its getting to my stomach I finally manage to whisk the towel off revealing my shining white butt to a friend still filming.
Brave? Not feeling it so much right now!
. . .
One night I put my book down upon hearing the call of “SUPPER”, and exit my sleeping bag. Turning around to grab my torch as it´s a dark walk between my wee place and their house I´m confronted with one of those ´three times as big´ MacDaddy´s I´d been told off. I can´t leave the room now!
It sits above my bed staring down for who knows how long. I´m not into killing tarantulas. I think they’re just too cool and what would a can of beastie spray do anyway? Just make it angry I guess, I´d need to run him down with a car he´s so fucking big! And a mosquito net, not much use when he could just tip my bed over and roll me out the door!
This can´t do, I have to somehow remove him. Encourage him out the door because if I go to supper right now then who knows where he could be when I return?
I´d succeeded it chasing him out and so on my return I started to search for him to check he´s not under my bed, inside my pillowcase, any new eight legged tables around? Nope, not here but what I do find is a scorpion under my bed. Fucking slept well that night!
*When I figure out how to add the vid I will.
Cool.. but not when found above my bed!
King of toads
Down on the farm I become quickly acquainted the all things beastie in Brazil. Tarantula’s big enough to make love to -hold that thought-, cebola beasties as big as a large bee which just fly against the wall and bounce across the floor, scorpions, fire ants and my personal favorite, mosquitos!
With mosquitos during the night it is ALWAYS the same old story. Even from inside a seemingly impregnable mosquito net once settled down for the night it does not take long before, ´Wiiiiizzzz´, combined with the tickle of one at your ear. My patience at two thirty in the morning has finally snapped and I slide out of bed while peeling back the fucking shit net and tip toe in the dark in an effort to avoid scorpions yet still crunching my way through a carpet of those beetle like bee things that are all around.
Let there be light.
Now let there be carnage to some bad assed beasties that just won´t fuck off.
No mosquitos, not one! I search every inch and nothing. It´s vanished, I think it really has vanished into thin air! It was right here only a moment ago and pissing me off relentlessly and now it´s nowhere to be found.
Light off, crunch, crunch, crunch through my carpet of beasties, into bed and under the mosquito net.. ´Wiiiizzzz´!
A bullfrog named Terrance would become a dear and useful friend during my stay here. At twenty one centimeters this behemoth of a toad could destroy ten big beasties in a row –we would feed them to him-, then he´d take a massive shit. I almost had him toilet trained. Yes he´d take a shit in the bathroom but always on the floor in the shower area and what a massive shit it would be, but he did make a huge difference in the numbers of beasties crawling and bouncing around our floor.
Every night Terrance would stroll as he was far too big to hop up the steps and on to the porch and just gobble every living thing in the vicinity. I´d sometimes put him on my shoulder and he´d just sit there breathing heavily into my ear. Terrance was a great toad. He was also poisonous!
The father and daughter of the Canadian family took myself and a German friend to the Recife Carnival for a few days and what an event that was. I remember getting steadily pissed throughout one day and eating an oyster that´d been scooped out of the sewage filled river nearby. Warned by others that this sort of thing has killed people before and I will at least get really fucking ill.. I ate it anyway.
My bed is soaking wet. A leak in the roof right above me and so I sleep on the floor and informed the Dad next day. Next morning while standing in the middle of the room pulling pubes from my cock, I look up on hearing something and see a face fixing the massive hole in the roof. Fuck.. He MUST have seen me. I don´t want to ask, how do you ask something like that? But let’s hope he´s not too traumatized and let us forget this embarrassing little episode. Bathrooms there for a reason Andy!
So Carnival was a huge event and a lot of fun but without too many incidents to speak off. I guess I was well behaved but when I returned to Bonito Terrance was not a happy toad.
I´d not left the bathroom light on for him and so his perfect stomping ground was no more. I´d upset him and he didn´t come to see me for about a week then one morning at about five am I went for a pee and..“TERRANCE”!
So maybe he´d been coming all along but was just avoiding me. Making me worry, stupid little froggy fuck. Missed you bud, but now he´s back and beasties are reducing once more. So Poopy the parrot might be one awesome, adorable, funny little pet, but he´s just not Terrance is he?
Whilst on the topic of beasties, let me tell of what I have no doubt will be the best video containing a mental beastie and myself…. To be continued..
Approached by two of the ugliest scumfuck prostitutes you wouldn´t fuck with a brick.. Key word: You.
I´d actually been doing alright twenty minutes earlier in a hostel chatting up some hottie from Sao Paulo when my German buddy came crashing through the door. Seeing my exchange with this Latin stunner he parked himself down across from us on the edge of a bunk bed and just patiently watched for his moment to cut in and deliver what surely looks to be the most urgent message anyone has ever had to pass on. I´m trying desperately to forget he´s there and continue my conversation.. “Andy, can I talk to you outside”?
And there goes that.
I´m told excitedly about the fact he´s discovered we´re real close to the cities red-light district as he leads me to the computer with map directions laid out. I´m not convinced. “We don’t have a car, this is not going to work. I´ve done this shit before in Edinburgh -when I was young and stupid- and it´s dodgy as fuck, uncomfortable and at least in my own country I know what kind of shit I can get into if I´m caught.” I say while we make our way towards the lady´s of the night. We´ve obviously came to the right place as we start to see scantly clad women on each side of the road, but who´s got the balls to just walk up and ask “Are you a prostitute”? Neither of us and so we continue walking hoping (kind off) that one of them will approach us.. Eventually two of them do and by fuck do I wish I´d stayed home! I quickly grab attention of the less macho creature, fuuck..why am I doing this?
She leads me across the road and into a car park, but there´s someone there and so we slip over a high wall and into an area of land strewn with bricks, rubble, broken glass and all manners of shite surrounded by high-rise apartment blocks beyond this enclosed, walled in dump. Led to one end but still in clear view of at least one hundred windows she begins to take down my shorts. Her friend interrupts -thank fuck- and from what I can make of their exchange she´s telling her that my friend didn´t pay. She pulls up my shorts and says “Pagar”, pagar means pay. Pay for what? She´s done fuck all, but I´m not that bothered as this pair have STD written all over them, I button my shorts and pull out the money.. Then things go tits up..
The second my hand leaves my pocket with notes they attack. The look on their face was feral and I´m taken completely by surprise as they both grab at my collar. “Policia, Policia” they shout. Fuck, what’s going on? Are they undercover police -not likely-, are they warning that police are coming? I don´t know, but I´m not in a good position right now. “What are you doing? Fuck off!” I say while making a half assed attempt at breaking free while thinking of my options.
What if it´s a set up? This is obvious, but I´m trying to think of what kind of set up. Does it involve police or do they have friends around the corner? I could beat them both pretty easily and run off but if it is police then I could be extremely fucked. I slip my t-shirt off as that’s what they both have their hands on and break free for just a moment as one of them quickly grabs the back of my shorts. Now this is just getting ridiculous as I hear her feet dragging through the gravel as I stride away shouting “HELP, HEEELP”!
She´s given up and I begin to jog towards the wall. I could hear responses to my pleas of help, but who´s responding? Is it her pimp and friends, if it´s the police what do I tell them? Kinda my own fault I´m in this pickle. Why are they not chasing me anymore, should I go back and beat them up for having such cheek? I climb over and make my way towards the main street half naked at 10pm. Jog I tell myself, just pretend you’re out for a late night jog in your sandals.
I pass the prossies that seen me moments before fully clothed and then I remember my friend.. Fuck! I jog back. We´d arranged to meet at the same place we´d met those hoes and so that’s the place I have to go. Not really the ideal place to go at this moment of time as they´re far more likely to have their backup this time and still I´m thinking that this could be a police sting. I run past and again and again with no sign of my friend. Maybe he´s been fucked over?
I run home, have a shower and prepare to go out again and find him, those two cunts and maybe get my t-shirt back when he walks in. “Where the fuck have you been”?
What happened was that after I´d went with Butt ugly, He´d had a change of mind and just told the girl he wasn´t interested -wish I´d done that-. He walked a little further down the street and found two much more attractive girls who took him to a little tree at the side of the main road and proceeded to give him head. They´d asked to see the money half way through and the second he showed them money they grabbed it, shouted Policia and ran away!
Sat a few days later at the dinner table of the family I´ve been working for. “So, you weren´t raped or mugged then”? You wouldn´t believe if I told you!
What you goat yourself into now?
Frustration is a word I became well familiar with during my time in Brasil especially in and around the aptly named town Bonito where the women are hot as fuck, but they´re all under eighteen although looking easily early to mid twenties. Legal age for sex? You´ve guessed it. I´m not fucking exaggerating here!
Even the hot blond who´s teaching me to milk goats isn´t quite eighteen although let us take a moment to consider my source of information concerning the laws and harsh penalties dished out towards those who get lucky with a seventeen year old. Father of said seventeen year old!
I can control myself and so plod on with the various tasks asked of me at this farm and I must say this is why I came to Brasil. Amazing small farm located within a two hour walk from the nearest town. I love the work and they keep me pretty busy plus the Canadian host family possibly being one of the coolest family´s to spend the next three months with whip up some damned fine meals.
Here is where I meet Poopy the green parrot who creepily turned to us one day while we were throwing bricks and said “Help me!” Emm..What the fucks been happening here for a parrot to pick that up?
Poopy was an awesome bird with that tap, tap, tap on the floor as he made his way through the house and into the kitchen to steal breakfast from your mouth -your shoulder being his favourite perch from where to sit while eating waffles in the morning. Towards the end of my time the family wondered, worried even of what would become of Poopy when they had to return to Canada. I suggested eating him and this way they could take him with them. He would always be part of you..until you need a shit!
I guess eating poopy doesn´t really sound too appetising so I´m sure he´s safely perched, squawking away “Poopypoopypoopy”! and biting peoples fucking ears! Yeah Poopy, I remember. Why do you think I suggested eating you?
Work would include chopping wood, chasing goats, getting attacked by Gandalf -massive male goat-, milking, replacing fence posts, fixing the road and digging up shit loads of these horrible South American stinging nettles sometimes taller than me. Once I was stung on the arm while rooting one out and in a sudden rage I stamped down on the fucker only for it to bounce back up and sting the whole underside of my thigh. Lesson of the day: I HATE those fucking weeds!
But seriously, what was with all those seventeen year olds who I have to add again never look as young as that. Every time myself or Roman, a German I friend who´s also came to work on the farm, would find ourselves talking with a hot girl and find yet again that she´s seventeen. In Scotland it´d be a pat on the back and “On yersel”, but here you can get shot apparently. This is a shit set up with women. Clearly when the lady’s reach that special age (eighteen) they all fuck off to the city to get jobs, further education and to get away from men like me.
And so we set out to find them..
Bar of the year..